I was overwhelmed with love today as I started thinking today about our kids. I began to think of the differences between them and their "foster" cousins. I thought about if we do get to adopt all of the time between now and then and it hit me right there. All of this time. All of this time in limbo as one would say, of not knowing if they will be mine or not, of how I will deal with them going somewhere else or how our families will deal with officially having three new members. All of this time to make a difference whether they leave us or not, or in another scenario, all of the time wasted not getting too close on account of getting hurt. God began to speak to me about this, how Dustin and I have not wasted one moment on love with these kids. He started showing me how He had asked me to do the impossible, and I accepted with no regrets. He asked me to remove "me" from this. Everyone asks, "But, how are you going to be if they go back?". Crushed to be honest. But, it doesn't stop me from loving them or treating them like my own until the meantime. After all, how would I like to explain to them one day if I do get to adopt, that I didn't want to get hurt so I waited about a year to really start loving you. Ouch, right? You see, once you take yourself out of the situation, put your needs/wants/desires/emotions on the back burner and focus on what God has asked you to do, you realize if they do go back, you gave them everything you could. You loved them, played with them, cared for them, fed, clothed, educated, etc. If I did everything I could for these kids and they go home or to another family member, I know I did right by them.
Let's talk about if they go back. I know what has to happen in order for them to be returned to their biological family. Let's just say, if they do, then these parents have proven themselves worthy of it. My prayer is for God to place them in the best home, with this as my prayer, I know if they leave me God has someplace much better for them, and if that is the case, I want to go too :) I couldn't pray this prayer and have them leave me if I am not giving them all I have as if they were biologically mine. You see, in my heart, they are mine. They don't look like me, talk like me, or even call me mommy, but they are mine.
As I mediated on this I thought of how these kids see me. They don't care I don't make much money, that we don't live in big home (or even own ours!), they don't care if I have bad hair days or if we stay in our pajamas all day. They aren't concerned with fads, trends, our friends, our schedules, or if we have the latest and greatest stuff. They don't care if they wear second hand clothes or brand new ones, or if their toys come from the store, a happy meal, or a garage sale. They aren't concerned with if they are biologically related to me, Dustin, or our families. But, they do care about me. They kiss boo-boos, laugh at my silly songs, they care if we cuddle or if we dance, they care if Dustin is at work and if we have said our blessing over our meals. They care about each other, their siblings, and their new friends. They care about being clean, apple juice, and Dragon Tales. They care if Dustin and I are within grabbing distance in a new setting, if we give them hugs and kisses, and if we read them a bedtime story. They care about holding us a little longer when they are tired, they care if we are proud of their pictures, accomplishments, and silly things they do. You see, we as adults are concerned with how things work, these kids are concerned with who makes it work.
As I overheard the oldest in the car just last night playing with his toys, "Is Dustin the mommy, no, no, no, Ashley is the mommy!" I understood just how important what I am doing is. Many mommy's have the title because they gave birth, I get the title because I earned it. I think it is even more special to me to hear him say this because they do not call their mother "mom, mama, mother, mommy", they call her by her first name (same for their dad). What a difference one month has made. I am so in love with these kids, and I have only known them a month. They may never call me mommy or Dustin daddy, but at least they have a good model of what one should look like. I may or may not get to legally call them mine, but I am enjoying loving them as though they already are, and that is all I can do for now.
If I am worried about me in this season, then I can't love them the way they deserve to be loved. If I am worried about me all of the time, I cannot love God, my husband, or my family the way they deserve. Note, it doesn't say anything about love being about yourself...
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Our first
We have had our first placement for over a week now. I am not sure if we will get to adopt, but I sure am attached to these three sweet faces. It amazes me how in such a short amount of time I can already love, protect, and feel as these kids are my own.
We have three precious babies. For legal reasons I cannot name names or post pictures. I can however tell you that we have a 3 year old boy, a 2 year old girl, and a 1 year old boy. They are siblings and so beautiful. So here is our story on how we came to know our "littles".
Thursday evening June 23rd we receive a phone call from CK informing us of a sibling group of 3, ages 1, 2, and 3 and asking if we were interested. I immediately said yes and hung up the phone. Those not familiar with the fostering process need to know that at this point other families from other agencies are being called simultaneously. After a brief period of time CPS makes the final decision on which home the kids go to. From the time I said yes to the time of the phone call confirming our placement was 15 minutes. In this 15 minutes we prayed. We prayed that God place the kids in the home they need, that if that home is ours we will gladly accept. We also prayed for provision. We were prepared for one child. For some reason throughout all of our training we had it in our minds we would get one child at a time (silly us!). So I specifically said, "God, you know what we have and what we don't. What we need to take on these kids. You know how much we have in our bank account. We are trusting that if you need these kids in our home, that you will provide for us." After 15 minutes we had our answer. By 11 o'clock that evening we had in our hands 3 lives hand picked by the creator Himself. Out of all the families called that night, He trusted us with them. WOW! What an honor. The next morning when I got up I made a list of everything we needed for these kids. I prayed over the list and by that evening we had all but one item on it (we have said item now). God is faithful, very faithful.
The next few days were very difficult for us. Being thrown into parenthood with children pulled from all they know was well...hard. I began to see this through different eyes. Through how God sees us. That Sunday at church Pastor Joe preached on EXACTLY what God had revealed to me the night before. I love it when I hear God correctly and then it is confirmed through another. I began to see these kids as we are to God. To God we are pulled out of our sin and muck and given a new opportunity. We are given "clothes" of righteousness, safety, hope, we are cleansed of our past. The list goes on and on. Often when we turn to God we cannot shake our past. In the same ways our precious littles do things because of their past, so do we. I must show them grace, patience, compassion, love, understanding, discipline, etc. All of the many things God shows us while we are becoming new. I am also to show this biological family grace and forgiveness. I am to show them redemption. I want them to get these kids back, I have no desire for them to fail and not have their children returned. I am being a good steward over their children. A safe haven for them so they can get their lives back in order.
My prayers have changed. My attitude and view has changed. These children need to see Jesus. Not only through Dustin and I, but through their parents. My prayer is that this family becomes whole again, that these children be in the best place, that God decide the best place. Not a judge or CPS, but the almighty God who put us over their lives for this season, also be the one to heal a family, restore it, and bring about a wholeness.
These kids may or may not go up for adoption. I will love them as though they are my own either way.
We have three precious babies. For legal reasons I cannot name names or post pictures. I can however tell you that we have a 3 year old boy, a 2 year old girl, and a 1 year old boy. They are siblings and so beautiful. So here is our story on how we came to know our "littles".
Thursday evening June 23rd we receive a phone call from CK informing us of a sibling group of 3, ages 1, 2, and 3 and asking if we were interested. I immediately said yes and hung up the phone. Those not familiar with the fostering process need to know that at this point other families from other agencies are being called simultaneously. After a brief period of time CPS makes the final decision on which home the kids go to. From the time I said yes to the time of the phone call confirming our placement was 15 minutes. In this 15 minutes we prayed. We prayed that God place the kids in the home they need, that if that home is ours we will gladly accept. We also prayed for provision. We were prepared for one child. For some reason throughout all of our training we had it in our minds we would get one child at a time (silly us!). So I specifically said, "God, you know what we have and what we don't. What we need to take on these kids. You know how much we have in our bank account. We are trusting that if you need these kids in our home, that you will provide for us." After 15 minutes we had our answer. By 11 o'clock that evening we had in our hands 3 lives hand picked by the creator Himself. Out of all the families called that night, He trusted us with them. WOW! What an honor. The next morning when I got up I made a list of everything we needed for these kids. I prayed over the list and by that evening we had all but one item on it (we have said item now). God is faithful, very faithful.
The next few days were very difficult for us. Being thrown into parenthood with children pulled from all they know was well...hard. I began to see this through different eyes. Through how God sees us. That Sunday at church Pastor Joe preached on EXACTLY what God had revealed to me the night before. I love it when I hear God correctly and then it is confirmed through another. I began to see these kids as we are to God. To God we are pulled out of our sin and muck and given a new opportunity. We are given "clothes" of righteousness, safety, hope, we are cleansed of our past. The list goes on and on. Often when we turn to God we cannot shake our past. In the same ways our precious littles do things because of their past, so do we. I must show them grace, patience, compassion, love, understanding, discipline, etc. All of the many things God shows us while we are becoming new. I am also to show this biological family grace and forgiveness. I am to show them redemption. I want them to get these kids back, I have no desire for them to fail and not have their children returned. I am being a good steward over their children. A safe haven for them so they can get their lives back in order.
My prayers have changed. My attitude and view has changed. These children need to see Jesus. Not only through Dustin and I, but through their parents. My prayer is that this family becomes whole again, that these children be in the best place, that God decide the best place. Not a judge or CPS, but the almighty God who put us over their lives for this season, also be the one to heal a family, restore it, and bring about a wholeness.
These kids may or may not go up for adoption. I will love them as though they are my own either way.
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