Waiting for Judah

So with summer here and plenty of time to be had, little man's nursery is complete and his momma is officially bored. To break up the mundane day, here is his nursery and for those of you who care with a description of what each is.

Here is my favorite wall in the nursery. I took my two favorite pages from Where the Wild Things Are and mod-podged them onto yellow canvases. The one on the left reads, "and made him king of all the wild things." The middle piece I did a couple of years ago when we started praying for our baby. My mom's favorite book was Love You Forever, it is an owl twist on the classic line. On the tiny bookshelf is a collection of knick-knacks and books. D carefully sorted his toys into each bin, we will see how long that lasts.

This rocker has been with D for many years and he is finally able to put it in his baby's nursery. The art on the wall is from my school baby shower, it reads "You make me happy when skies are grey" the first part of the song is on the other wall. Notice the mustache and monocle? Yep, I couldn't resist!

Here is his sweet bed, ignore the halfway tied bumper pad, I got lazy when I realized I still had to put on the crib skirt. The drawings on either side of his name are from his Grammy and Aunt Jenny. Notice the HUGE lion on the floor? Target clearance.

Here is where I turned genius when we had our foster placement. I took the doors off of the closet and pushed the dresser inside for more room in the bedroom part. Add changing pad and now the space is functional. Above the closet is the blessing of Judah from Genesis that D painted. The giant lion print is from Judah's Grammy and Poppie. They bought it at some estate sale. Placed the coordinating colors of bins on top for storage and everything now has a home.

I painted the fronts of the drawers with chalkboard paint so I could label where everything goes. Also eliminates the whole "where does this go?" question when the hubs is putting away laundry. See the cute surfboard rug? We got it in Galveston on our "babymoon".

Nothing does the room as much justice as when you actually come over and see it (like when you come and snuggle my sweet baby, you can check it out). It is my favorite place in the house, if only there were a bed in here so I could nap in the afternoons.

Oops!

I really did not want to know if we were having a boy or a girl. Let me emphasis the I part of this equation. This comes into play as I unfold the events leading to our now knowledge of Sprout. We had our one and only sonogram yesterday. I had my whole plan of asking the technician if he would write it down, I would hide it in a safe place and in a few weeks we would open up and find out if we so desired. The best of both worlds, perfect right? All was perfect until we close the doors.

I politely ask the man how long he has been doing this. "32 years" was his response. Excellent! I don't have a newbie so the chances of wrong information have drastically declined. He starts to go through the parts of Sprout (as can be seen below):

                                                             

Sweet baby!

All is looking great! I am super pumped especially since my first image of my baby, that sadly he didn't capture, was Sprout rapidly punching, boxer style. We continue to oogle over little Sprout, talking, joking. I hadn't said anything yet about keeping Sprout's gender a secret. For some reason I assumed he would ask when we got to that body part, which he probably would have had Dustin not said the following statement at the EXACT right time, "I am just looking for the turtle". The technician's response?

 "It's right...here."

Yep, plain as day (one of the advantages of being 22 weeks for your first sono) Judah Arik Morrow will be here late July/early August and we could not be MORE excited. Here is what Denise and I made last night so I could wear it to school today (more her than me, she is wayyyyy more crafty):

It says "Hey Jude" under the 'stache.

What's for Dinner?

Having Spring Break off offered 9 entire days of time to organize and realize I do not know how to cook. I spent a day organizing my pantry and kitchen. I love it. I love that at 9 p.m. this evening I made delicious brownies from scratch. I made a pretty amazing chocolate cake last week too. I can bake just about anything I want and 9 times out of 10, it is always tasty. But, that is baking.

Cooking a meal offers far more challenges than I could EVER imagine. I blame my mom, or should it be my dad? Either way my mom didn't use many spices and everything was simple. I like simple, simple is easy, simple is functional, simple is not what my husband likes. As I posted in my last blog, we are working towards me staying home. Part of being a full time mommy means I have to know how to make chocolate chip cookies (which I do!) and be able to have a home cooked meal when D gets home most days. He enjoys cooking and I know he will be missing it if I completely take over. He will mostly miss it because, well, I don't do that great of a job at it.

Let me explain. I can make sure the food doesn't burn, is the right consistency, and is edible. I can't make it look pretty, and I definitely can't make it taste as good as D or anyone else can. If it is a casserole (requires baking in the oven) I can pass the taste test with flying colors. If it requires the stove top, seasonings, no recipe, and throwing things together, I panic. The other night I made breaded pork chops and sweet potatoes. Not too difficult, except that the pork chops tasted better with ketchup because of lack of flavor and the sweet potatoes were ok. D and the kids ate it, with ketchup. No one wanted seconds, and Ziggy (our dog) ate the scraps. You would think being pregnant and hormonal this would hurt my feelings, but it made me realize, I have LOTS of work to do before I am the one responsible for all meals my family eating.

So, my goal is to practice. If my family doesn't want to be eating cereal, breakfast, take out and sandwiches for the next ____ years...I better get busy!

Help Wanted: Full time mommy

I have fallen in love with 3 beautiful children that are not my own. Not only are they not mine, I have to return them to their "rightful owners" in a few short weeks. This experience has left me with a heart heavy in a way I have not felt in years. As the days draw to a close it has become obvious to Dustin and I both that we are happiest with a house full of children. I can't imagine having just one! I know, crazy right? But, when you have had 3 for the past 9 months, one seems so quiet, so easy, so normal.

Which leads me to the topic of this blog. We are evaluating our income, outcome, space, life, to decide how and when I will leave my teaching career and be a full time mommy. Not a mommy of one, but a mommy of many. We want to foster full time, which means, one of us will have to stay home. What is the difference from now you ask? Simple, we will be able to take in more and more often than if we were both working. There is so much that must be done in the first month of a placement it is extremely difficult to do it around a work schedule. Depending on how many kids you take in at a time, you are looking at more time. As an added perk, if your placement gets to go home, you can take a new one freely. The way it is right now, we can only take placements over the summers. We got lucky with our first placement in that they are a sibling group and we had do everything at one time. But, if we only get one at a time, then that is where scheduling gets difficult.

We are waiting on timing. If I have it my way I would not  return for the next school year, but we still aren't sure about God's timing. I could list the ever growing number of things God has asked us to do in His time and every time we were blessed beyond measure and understanding. We don't move until He says to. We often think about when we first moved back to Springtown. Dustin had a job, I did not, we didn't have a place to live, but we moved in faith and with the knowledge that He doesn't ask you to trust and then leave you hanging on a limb. We soon were both employed, had a wonderful place to live and we have continued to see God's blessing on our lives. We are precisely at this place again. Waiting on Him to say jump, and then without fear take a leap into yet another HUGE change in our life.

It Has Been Awhile...

It has been months since I have posted and my the things that have gone on. I will start by saying we still have our precious kids, but we don't know for how much longer. At the end of April is their final hearing. On that day we will either say good-bye to them or start the adoption process. I never thought I would actually see this day come. As much as my heart is heavy to see them go, I know the progress their parents have made. I have seen the change in the eyes of these parents. It is moments like these I know in my deepest of heart we did what we were to do. We provided a safe haven of love, growth, laughter, security, and above all healing. I could not have done all of this without Jesus and Dustin. God has shown so much to me through these children, so much I did not understand, so much I want for them, so much I will not see. This is where faith picks up and I end. This leads the next "going on".

In November, actually November 21, I found out a piece of information that would change everything, forever. I found out I was pregnant. Those two pink lines meant more to me than anything I could ever imagine. So many prayers answered in just 2 minutes. I was in shock, amazed, humbled. I can't explain how many scriptures I prayed over this baby, how many prayers went up on behalf of him/her. I can't even tell you how many tears were shed. So many thought I couldn't, so many prayed I could. In a few minutes I knew God had given me what no man (or woman) ever could. In the midst of all the uncertainty with the three in our home, I had a baby that would be mine.

As the past few months have passed, so have the many emotions about what is going to happen have changed. I don't think not being pregnant would help with the emotional swings I feel almost daily. There are many more decisions to make, many more changes to occur, much more faith to be had. It is the crossroads I am at today. More to come as more decisions are made.

There is no "I" in love

I was overwhelmed with love today as I started thinking today about our kids. I began to think of the differences between them and their "foster" cousins. I thought about if we do get to adopt all of the time between now and then and it hit me right there. All of this time. All of this time in limbo as one would say, of not knowing if they will be mine or not, of how I will deal with them going somewhere else or how our families will deal with officially having three new members. All of this time to make a difference whether they leave us or not, or in another scenario, all of the time wasted not getting too close on account of getting hurt. God began to speak to me about this, how Dustin and I have not wasted one moment on love with these kids. He started showing me how He had asked me to do the impossible, and I accepted with no regrets. He asked me to remove "me" from this. Everyone asks, "But, how are you going to be if they go back?". Crushed to be honest. But, it doesn't stop me from loving them or treating them like my own until the meantime. After all, how would I like to explain to them one day if I do get to adopt, that I didn't want to get hurt so I waited about a year to really start loving you. Ouch, right? You see, once you take yourself out of the situation, put your needs/wants/desires/emotions on the back burner and focus on what God has asked you to do, you realize if they do go back, you gave them everything you could. You loved them, played with them, cared for them, fed, clothed, educated, etc. If I did everything I could for these kids and they go home or to another family member, I know I did right by them.

Let's talk about if they go back. I know what has to happen in order for them to be returned to their biological family. Let's just say, if they do, then these parents have proven themselves worthy of it. My prayer is for God to place them in the best home, with this as my prayer, I know if they leave me God has someplace much better for them, and if that is the case, I want to go too :) I couldn't pray this prayer and have them leave me if I am not giving them all I have as if they were biologically mine. You see, in my heart, they are mine. They don't look like me, talk like me, or even call me mommy, but they are mine.

As I mediated on this I thought of how these kids see me. They don't care I don't make much money, that we don't live in big home (or even own ours!), they don't care if I have bad hair days or if we stay in our pajamas all day. They aren't concerned with fads, trends, our friends, our schedules, or if we have the latest and greatest stuff. They don't care if they wear second hand clothes or brand new ones, or if their toys come from the store, a happy meal, or a garage sale. They aren't concerned with if they are biologically related to me, Dustin, or our families. But, they do care about me. They kiss boo-boos, laugh at my silly songs, they care if we cuddle or if we dance, they care if Dustin is at work and if we have said our blessing over our meals. They care about each other, their siblings, and their new friends. They care about being clean, apple juice, and Dragon Tales. They care if Dustin and I are within grabbing distance in a new setting, if we give them hugs and kisses, and if we read them a bedtime story. They care about holding us a little longer when they are tired, they care if we are proud of their pictures, accomplishments, and silly things they do. You see, we as adults are concerned with how things work, these kids are concerned with who makes it work.

As I overheard the oldest in the car just last night playing with his toys, "Is Dustin the mommy, no, no, no, Ashley is the mommy!" I understood just how important what I am doing is. Many mommy's have the title because they gave birth, I get the title because I earned it. I think it is even more special to me to hear him say this because they do not call their mother "mom, mama, mother, mommy", they call her by her first name (same for their dad). What a difference one month has made. I am so in love with these kids, and I have only known them a month. They may never call me mommy or Dustin daddy, but at least they have a good model of what one should look like. I may or may not get to legally call them mine, but I am enjoying loving them as though they already are, and that is all I can do for now.

If I am worried about me in this season, then I can't love them the way they deserve to be loved. If I am worried about  me all of the time, I cannot love God, my husband, or my family the way they deserve. Note, it doesn't say anything about love being about yourself...

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

Our first

We have had our first placement for over a week now. I am not sure if we will get to adopt, but I sure am attached to these three sweet faces. It amazes me how in such a short amount of time I can already love, protect, and feel as these kids are my own.

We have three precious babies. For legal reasons I cannot name names or post pictures. I can however tell you that we have a 3 year old boy, a 2 year old girl, and a 1 year old boy. They are siblings and so beautiful. So here is our story on how we came to know our "littles".

Thursday evening June 23rd we receive a phone call from CK informing us of a sibling group of 3, ages 1, 2, and 3 and asking if we were interested. I immediately said yes and hung up the phone. Those not familiar with the fostering process need to know that at this point other families from other agencies are being called simultaneously. After a brief period of time CPS makes the final decision on which home the kids go to. From the time I said yes to the time of the phone call confirming our placement was 15 minutes. In this 15 minutes we prayed. We prayed that God place the kids in the home they need, that if that home is ours we will gladly accept. We also prayed for provision. We were prepared for one child. For some reason throughout all of our training we had it in our minds we would get one child at a time (silly us!). So I specifically said, "God, you know what we have and what we don't. What we need to take on these kids. You know how much we have in our bank account. We are trusting that if you need these kids in our home, that you will provide for us." After 15 minutes we had our answer. By 11 o'clock that evening we had in our hands 3 lives hand picked by the creator Himself. Out of all the families called that night, He trusted us with them. WOW! What an honor. The next morning when I got up I made a list of everything we needed for these kids. I prayed over the list and by that evening we had all but one item on it (we have said item now). God is faithful, very faithful.

The next few days were very difficult for us. Being thrown into parenthood with children pulled from all they know was well...hard. I began to see this through different eyes. Through how God sees us. That Sunday at church Pastor Joe preached on EXACTLY what God had revealed to me the night before. I love it when I hear God correctly and then it is confirmed through another. I began to see these kids as we are to God. To God we are pulled out of our sin and muck and given a new opportunity. We are given "clothes" of righteousness, safety, hope, we are cleansed of our past. The list goes on and on. Often when we turn to God we cannot shake our past. In the same ways our precious littles do things because of their past, so do we. I must show them grace, patience, compassion, love, understanding, discipline, etc. All of the many things God shows us while we are becoming new. I am also to show this biological family grace and forgiveness. I am to show them redemption. I want them to get these kids back, I have no desire for them to fail and not have their children returned. I am being a good steward over their children. A safe haven for them so they can get their lives back in order.

My prayers have changed. My attitude and view has changed. These children need to see Jesus. Not only through Dustin and I, but through their parents. My prayer is that this family becomes whole again, that these children be in the best place, that God decide the best place. Not a judge or CPS, but the almighty God who put us over their lives for this season, also be the one to heal a family, restore it, and bring about a wholeness.

These kids may or may not go up for adoption. I will love them as though they are my own either way.