I was overwhelmed with love today as I started thinking today about our kids. I began to think of the differences between them and their "foster" cousins. I thought about if we do get to adopt all of the time between now and then and it hit me right there. All of this time. All of this time in limbo as one would say, of not knowing if they will be mine or not, of how I will deal with them going somewhere else or how our families will deal with officially having three new members. All of this time to make a difference whether they leave us or not, or in another scenario, all of the time wasted not getting too close on account of getting hurt. God began to speak to me about this, how Dustin and I have not wasted one moment on love with these kids. He started showing me how He had asked me to do the impossible, and I accepted with no regrets. He asked me to remove "me" from this. Everyone asks, "But, how are you going to be if they go back?". Crushed to be honest. But, it doesn't stop me from loving them or treating them like my own until the meantime. After all, how would I like to explain to them one day if I do get to adopt, that I didn't want to get hurt so I waited about a year to really start loving you. Ouch, right? You see, once you take yourself out of the situation, put your needs/wants/desires/emotions on the back burner and focus on what God has asked you to do, you realize if they do go back, you gave them everything you could. You loved them, played with them, cared for them, fed, clothed, educated, etc. If I did everything I could for these kids and they go home or to another family member, I know I did right by them.
Let's talk about if they go back. I know what has to happen in order for them to be returned to their biological family. Let's just say, if they do, then these parents have proven themselves worthy of it. My prayer is for God to place them in the best home, with this as my prayer, I know if they leave me God has someplace much better for them, and if that is the case, I want to go too :) I couldn't pray this prayer and have them leave me if I am not giving them all I have as if they were biologically mine. You see, in my heart, they are mine. They don't look like me, talk like me, or even call me mommy, but they are mine.
As I mediated on this I thought of how these kids see me. They don't care I don't make much money, that we don't live in big home (or even own ours!), they don't care if I have bad hair days or if we stay in our pajamas all day. They aren't concerned with fads, trends, our friends, our schedules, or if we have the latest and greatest stuff. They don't care if they wear second hand clothes or brand new ones, or if their toys come from the store, a happy meal, or a garage sale. They aren't concerned with if they are biologically related to me, Dustin, or our families. But, they do care about me. They kiss boo-boos, laugh at my silly songs, they care if we cuddle or if we dance, they care if Dustin is at work and if we have said our blessing over our meals. They care about each other, their siblings, and their new friends. They care about being clean, apple juice, and Dragon Tales. They care if Dustin and I are within grabbing distance in a new setting, if we give them hugs and kisses, and if we read them a bedtime story. They care about holding us a little longer when they are tired, they care if we are proud of their pictures, accomplishments, and silly things they do. You see, we as adults are concerned with how things work, these kids are concerned with who makes it work.
As I overheard the oldest in the car just last night playing with his toys, "Is Dustin the mommy, no, no, no, Ashley is the mommy!" I understood just how important what I am doing is. Many mommy's have the title because they gave birth, I get the title because I earned it. I think it is even more special to me to hear him say this because they do not call their mother "mom, mama, mother, mommy", they call her by her first name (same for their dad). What a difference one month has made. I am so in love with these kids, and I have only known them a month. They may never call me mommy or Dustin daddy, but at least they have a good model of what one should look like. I may or may not get to legally call them mine, but I am enjoying loving them as though they already are, and that is all I can do for now.
If I am worried about me in this season, then I can't love them the way they deserve to be loved. If I am worried about me all of the time, I cannot love God, my husband, or my family the way they deserve. Note, it doesn't say anything about love being about yourself...
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
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