There is no "I" in love

I was overwhelmed with love today as I started thinking today about our kids. I began to think of the differences between them and their "foster" cousins. I thought about if we do get to adopt all of the time between now and then and it hit me right there. All of this time. All of this time in limbo as one would say, of not knowing if they will be mine or not, of how I will deal with them going somewhere else or how our families will deal with officially having three new members. All of this time to make a difference whether they leave us or not, or in another scenario, all of the time wasted not getting too close on account of getting hurt. God began to speak to me about this, how Dustin and I have not wasted one moment on love with these kids. He started showing me how He had asked me to do the impossible, and I accepted with no regrets. He asked me to remove "me" from this. Everyone asks, "But, how are you going to be if they go back?". Crushed to be honest. But, it doesn't stop me from loving them or treating them like my own until the meantime. After all, how would I like to explain to them one day if I do get to adopt, that I didn't want to get hurt so I waited about a year to really start loving you. Ouch, right? You see, once you take yourself out of the situation, put your needs/wants/desires/emotions on the back burner and focus on what God has asked you to do, you realize if they do go back, you gave them everything you could. You loved them, played with them, cared for them, fed, clothed, educated, etc. If I did everything I could for these kids and they go home or to another family member, I know I did right by them.

Let's talk about if they go back. I know what has to happen in order for them to be returned to their biological family. Let's just say, if they do, then these parents have proven themselves worthy of it. My prayer is for God to place them in the best home, with this as my prayer, I know if they leave me God has someplace much better for them, and if that is the case, I want to go too :) I couldn't pray this prayer and have them leave me if I am not giving them all I have as if they were biologically mine. You see, in my heart, they are mine. They don't look like me, talk like me, or even call me mommy, but they are mine.

As I mediated on this I thought of how these kids see me. They don't care I don't make much money, that we don't live in big home (or even own ours!), they don't care if I have bad hair days or if we stay in our pajamas all day. They aren't concerned with fads, trends, our friends, our schedules, or if we have the latest and greatest stuff. They don't care if they wear second hand clothes or brand new ones, or if their toys come from the store, a happy meal, or a garage sale. They aren't concerned with if they are biologically related to me, Dustin, or our families. But, they do care about me. They kiss boo-boos, laugh at my silly songs, they care if we cuddle or if we dance, they care if Dustin is at work and if we have said our blessing over our meals. They care about each other, their siblings, and their new friends. They care about being clean, apple juice, and Dragon Tales. They care if Dustin and I are within grabbing distance in a new setting, if we give them hugs and kisses, and if we read them a bedtime story. They care about holding us a little longer when they are tired, they care if we are proud of their pictures, accomplishments, and silly things they do. You see, we as adults are concerned with how things work, these kids are concerned with who makes it work.

As I overheard the oldest in the car just last night playing with his toys, "Is Dustin the mommy, no, no, no, Ashley is the mommy!" I understood just how important what I am doing is. Many mommy's have the title because they gave birth, I get the title because I earned it. I think it is even more special to me to hear him say this because they do not call their mother "mom, mama, mother, mommy", they call her by her first name (same for their dad). What a difference one month has made. I am so in love with these kids, and I have only known them a month. They may never call me mommy or Dustin daddy, but at least they have a good model of what one should look like. I may or may not get to legally call them mine, but I am enjoying loving them as though they already are, and that is all I can do for now.

If I am worried about me in this season, then I can't love them the way they deserve to be loved. If I am worried about  me all of the time, I cannot love God, my husband, or my family the way they deserve. Note, it doesn't say anything about love being about yourself...

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

Our first

We have had our first placement for over a week now. I am not sure if we will get to adopt, but I sure am attached to these three sweet faces. It amazes me how in such a short amount of time I can already love, protect, and feel as these kids are my own.

We have three precious babies. For legal reasons I cannot name names or post pictures. I can however tell you that we have a 3 year old boy, a 2 year old girl, and a 1 year old boy. They are siblings and so beautiful. So here is our story on how we came to know our "littles".

Thursday evening June 23rd we receive a phone call from CK informing us of a sibling group of 3, ages 1, 2, and 3 and asking if we were interested. I immediately said yes and hung up the phone. Those not familiar with the fostering process need to know that at this point other families from other agencies are being called simultaneously. After a brief period of time CPS makes the final decision on which home the kids go to. From the time I said yes to the time of the phone call confirming our placement was 15 minutes. In this 15 minutes we prayed. We prayed that God place the kids in the home they need, that if that home is ours we will gladly accept. We also prayed for provision. We were prepared for one child. For some reason throughout all of our training we had it in our minds we would get one child at a time (silly us!). So I specifically said, "God, you know what we have and what we don't. What we need to take on these kids. You know how much we have in our bank account. We are trusting that if you need these kids in our home, that you will provide for us." After 15 minutes we had our answer. By 11 o'clock that evening we had in our hands 3 lives hand picked by the creator Himself. Out of all the families called that night, He trusted us with them. WOW! What an honor. The next morning when I got up I made a list of everything we needed for these kids. I prayed over the list and by that evening we had all but one item on it (we have said item now). God is faithful, very faithful.

The next few days were very difficult for us. Being thrown into parenthood with children pulled from all they know was well...hard. I began to see this through different eyes. Through how God sees us. That Sunday at church Pastor Joe preached on EXACTLY what God had revealed to me the night before. I love it when I hear God correctly and then it is confirmed through another. I began to see these kids as we are to God. To God we are pulled out of our sin and muck and given a new opportunity. We are given "clothes" of righteousness, safety, hope, we are cleansed of our past. The list goes on and on. Often when we turn to God we cannot shake our past. In the same ways our precious littles do things because of their past, so do we. I must show them grace, patience, compassion, love, understanding, discipline, etc. All of the many things God shows us while we are becoming new. I am also to show this biological family grace and forgiveness. I am to show them redemption. I want them to get these kids back, I have no desire for them to fail and not have their children returned. I am being a good steward over their children. A safe haven for them so they can get their lives back in order.

My prayers have changed. My attitude and view has changed. These children need to see Jesus. Not only through Dustin and I, but through their parents. My prayer is that this family becomes whole again, that these children be in the best place, that God decide the best place. Not a judge or CPS, but the almighty God who put us over their lives for this season, also be the one to heal a family, restore it, and bring about a wholeness.

These kids may or may not go up for adoption. I will love them as though they are my own either way.

It is finished!

We are LICENSED!!!!!! 0-5 years, boy or girl, any ethnicity, up to 3 children. Finally, after this emotional journey, we are able to have children in our home. What exciting news for a beautiful Friday morning! I cannot describe the joy, slight fear, and peace I have knowing we have taken the most important steps in what God has shown for us to do. Now, the bigger waiting game begins. We wait for the child/children God has waiting for our home. We pray for their hearts and current situation. We pray for our hearts and our family to be ready to receive them. My heart is so happy and full. I cannot wait to see this journey unfold before us. Stay tuned, because I know there will be many stories, heartache, and joy to tell of.

Trust

Tomorrow we will submit our very last pieces of paperwork. We have been given a June 1st deadline and CK would like us verified by then. After that, it is in God's hands.

Today at church we had some guests from Frontline Worship. Their message today: trusting in faith that God's word He spoke to us will come to pass. The most important thing I took away was this. If the creator of the universe whispered a word in my ear, what am I worried about? If the Creator spoke clear words to me about my family, my health, my work, why am I so preoccupied with the details? Because, as men and women, we feel the need to meddle in God's work to make it better. If I am not mistaken, He created the world with no man's help. He created every single fiber of it. Man has put his mark on the world, and well, we can look around and see what man did in comparison and see if our meddling really helped. If He is capable of creation, I am sure He is capable of working out the details of the path set before me. He does not need me to figure out how His word will come to life, but to focus on Him and He will get me there. It is so easy for us to rely on our own creativity to figure out our problems, because for us to have a Lord who knows all and wants to give to us beyond our wildest dreams just seems too risky and therefore, we sometimes miss out on the sunrise while searching for a light switch.

Today, I will trust Him, no matter how much it hurts or I don't understand. He is in control.

"Jesus loves the little children...but some adults..."

We finish our training this Saturday...yikes! It is amazing how quickly this has gone by. Our documentation manager (not sure what she is really titled, so I gave her a new one) let us know we are almost ready for the home study...again, yikes! We have all of the appropriate paperwork done and now we have some appointments, inspections, and mapping to do to close out our process. Through all of these trainings, I have noticed a trend in the people we are with. Those that know what they want seem to be the most comfortable with their spouse, asking questions, and are avid note takers. Those who are unsure on what to do laugh at inappropriate times, barely speak, and doodle instead of preparing for the process about to take place. Those who do not want to be there have not come back. The only thing we have wavered on was what age we wanted to take. After a confirmation from our 7 year old niece, it has been decided we will take anything under 6 (boy, girl, ethnicity).

While my brother would prefer a boy and my dad prefers we not "go outside our race for the sake of the child"; we are comfortable and willing to take whoever God needs us to. We on the other side are praying for our families to have open hearts and minds about who walks in our doors. While on this particular subject, I have been very surprised at how picky some people have been about which child they will allow in their home. More specifically, how many do not want to go out side of their race...wow. I am not sure why they are, but they are. It seems to me if you are there to minister to these kids, race would be the last thing you would take into consideration. I am not judging, just observing. I forget not everyone is as easy-going, accepting, and willing as Dustin and I are. It is not a bad thing on their part, just eye opening for us. 

I have found myself wanting to take in these "behavior issued" children more and more each day. These are the ones most likely to set your house on fire. While some are scared or only want, "normal" kids, I want these that have to be closely watched. Mostly because, they are the ones that need the most love. They need you to be there, they need to know they are not destined to be unlovable, they need to be kept out of prison, they need to be adopted, they simply need someone to see the good in them and help bring it out. You see the most reward in these kids. Having this desire stirred in my heart, I have the feeling, God may be trying to tell me something. We will see!

Even though I am beginning to stress about time, cleaning, appointments, engagements, etc. I am taking comfort in my Strength who says I can rest in Him. I am at peace that the One who is asking me to this has my days laid before me. He has given me Dustin to be my partner and knew I could not do this without him. For those women and men who I sat in class with who are doing this alone, I will say a special prayer just for you. For those who do this without Jesus, you will get one too. And, for those couples who are struggling with every bit of this process, you are included as well. I praise God for the opportunity to serve, minister to, and love these precious babies who Satan has stolen so much from. May those children be restored. May God use my home to do this in.

Understanding

We started our training classes this week. Where were these in college? I am not sure why exactly some of these fundamental behavioral theories and research were NEVER presented to a college student about to become a teacher. So many mistakes are made on a daily basis and yet, the very adults who spend the majority of their day with these kids are never introduced to the reasons why they act the way they do. Furthermore, they are never instructed on the appropriate ways to handle discipline in regards to them. It is frustrating to see both sides of it and I wish  more parents, teachers, and administrators could and be willing to understand. Last night, our trainer stressed the point, "It is not about you" over and over again. The behaviors we will encounter often have nothing to do with us. If we are willing to take "us" out of it; remove our emotions and reactions to the behaviors and things spoken, we can begin to see these kids as scared, traumatized, abused/neglected, and they simply do not know what to do with their new circumstances. Isn't this true of so many situations? We would never ask a dog owner to rescue a dog who had been abused and expect the dog to automatically be social, loving, and to be our best friend. On the contrary, we expect the dog to be withdrawn, shake, hide, etc. Yet, somehow, society/professionals/people decided that since humans can speak and communicate, we should expect more out of them. How very, very wrong we were. How very heart breaking for these kids who have had so much to deal with, now be expected to behave in a manner that is "normal". This lesson alone is enough to stop and re-evaluate how we treat one another.

I have found in the past couple of months, I cannot be angry with the parents of these children. Most of them are simply products of their environment who do not know how to break the cycle. In the VERY same way we want God's grace and forgiveness, I must extend the same sentiment to these parents who have done so much wrong. And most of all, being angry does nothing but plant seeds that take years to root out. I realized a month or so ago that I never would want to be the person to keep a child and parent separated. I want the parent to get their life in order, find Jesus, and take the steps to get their child back. There is always the desire in every child's heart to be with their mother or father, no matter how bad the situation. When they are young, if it is all they know, then how do they know it is bad? In the way some root for the underdog, so do I for these parents to make a comeback. If God's grace is sufficient for my transgressions, is it not the same for these people? Some parents will not be able to have their children back, for those, I pray God works in their life in such a manner, that they are one day given a second chance and will succeed. I know most of these people will never want to hear Jesus' name or try to better their lives, for those people, I pray I am a good steward of their child. I pray I am able to be the parent they need and deserve.

Grace

It amazes me all we have to do to become verified parents. I am also convinced having one on your own is just too simple. It too should come with required reading, forms, documentation, trainings, inspections, guidelines, rule books, case workers, fingerprinting, background checks, applications, the list goes on. Aren't we lucky to serve such a gracious God who does not ask or require any of these things to receive the baby many of you are holding today? The very creator who created you loves you so much He breathed life into your womb. You had no forms, no requirements, no stipulations. As I held my precious one day old niece today, I thought about how Amber and Jason were changed forever, all because of one breath. My oldest sister was given twins, when the doctors said she would have none. My two oldest nieces were given to us and we were never the same. If God wasn't the author of these lives and ours, none of these births would have mattered, would have been precious, would have affected us at all. I think about this daily as we are filling out a form, reading the pages of a book, or anticipating the "next step". I am so humbled to be doing this. I don't know who God has appointed for us in this first placement. He knew from the minute he/she was created we would be apart of their life forever. He thought so much of us and them, He set into motion our meeting. It is much easier for God to breath life into my womb, but there is someone who needs us right now. There is a prayer going to be prayed, if it hasn't already and we are the answer to it. I in turn, will be praying for them.

Times are changin'...again

Four years ago the worst thing that could have ever happened to me did. My mother, who I loved more than anything, passed away. I began to see life differently. In my mind, that was the worst thing that could have ever happened and everything else, well, could never compare. After "surviving" I began to understand things were not as bad as they seemed. I found my joy again, I found God again.

Not too terribly long after this I met my amazing husband who I adore and firmly believe God placed Him in my life when He did so we could begin life together. As we grew and planned to spend our life together, we grew closer to God. Seeking Him differently, understanding who He was in a different light and learning how much we really needed Him in our lives. We married and moved to the one place we both swore we would never return...home.

The move back was difficult on both of us. I left my family, friends, job, and town I loved to seek what God laid in my heart to find. He blessed me with a job in a place I did not feel like I belonged to only show me where I fit in. He gave us a church that challenged the norm and forced us to grow and seek Him with our whole hearts. He blessed us with a home we are now finding we are to share. He has restored relationships, handed us revelations, and shown us His heart in unexpected ways. I have found my joy again, I have found my Savior again.

God has now used our situation and circumstances to stretch us again. He has laid it upon our hearts to open our home and adopt. I fought what I felt Him tell me because I thought I had to have my own first. In the loving way only God can do, He reminded me, "I didn't ask you to wait". I quickly had a change of heart and we are VERY excited to see God in this as well. I cannot describe the overwhelming joy this process has brought out in us. We are just as excited as if we were pregnant, and we are only in step 2! With God as our leader and Dustin by my side, the challenges before us seem small compared to the company I am walking with.